TV

“Wynonna Earp” Episode 405 Recap: ‘Hi-ho, Nicole the Haught here’

Previously on Wynonna Earp:

-Kitchen Christening

-Back Barn Dental Surgery

-Creepy Clantons in Purgatory

-HOLY FUCK NICOLE WDYD!

We open this week with Pachelbel’s Canon in D, Nicole in a black dress and a red bouquet of flowers and a wedding arch beyond with Nedley in front. Wynonna then appears and walks Nicole down the aisle after some cute sister moment bro fist bumps. The attendees all appear to be asleep, Doc has his head down, and Waverly is nowhere to be found. Wynonna then drops the bombshell that this will not, in fact, be the Wayhaught wedding we all want (even though I am digging the creepy goth in the snow vibe that it has going for it). The music quickly turns sinister with everyone giving Nicole the evil eye, Doc even adding blood to his evil eye, before Wynonna asks Nicole to light up her cigar with a lighter which just magically appeared, and guess what, everyone starts choking. I mean, me too. I hate the smell of cigars, but their coughing does not seem to be stopping. If this wasn’t before the Rona, I would probably say it was that, but Nicole quickly wakes up coughing to the sound of a fire alarm going off in the Homestead and a Waverly who won’t wake up. No matter what Nicole does to try and wake her, Waverly doesn’t, resulting in Nicole soaking a t-shirt in water and putting Waverly in a fireman’s carry to get them both out of there.

I am here for a Nightmare before Christmas themed wedding!

In the barn, Wynonna is oblivious to the fire, but not to a peeping Doc in her bedroom. A quick draw of a pistol later and a discussion over Doc’s Vampirism leading to him no longer needing sleep, Wynonna and Doc make use of the chemistry between the two of them, but are again interrupted. Wayhaught doesn’t seem to be interrupted at all this season and WynDoc is. What a turn of events! The interruption? Wynonna asks if Doc has eaten another fireman (RIP Julian/Charlie). The Fire Department is safe (for now) but the two rush out of the barn, after Wynonna gets dressed in red leather pants, of course, to see flames licking at the Homestead.

Rachel it seems is on it and managed to get the fire put out, the only casualties being a couch and most of Wynonna’s porn stash, but Waverly isn’t quite out of the woods yet. Nicole and Wynonna cower over her waiting for her to breathe, which she eventually does much to everyone’s delight. What is it with our Earp women and fires? First Wynonna ‘died’ in the fire at the church that Juan Carlo took her to, and now Waverly in the Homestead. Wynonna did also have that jacket that spontaneously combusted too so maybe they should just stay away from fire in general for a while.

The morning comes with Wynonna making a ‘last boyfriend’ joke about wood and surprisingly it is Rachel who gives a response with only a flick of the eyebrows from Waverly. I guess Rachel isn’t that used to Wynonna yet, or maybe she is and is just making fun of her. No-one knows why the fire started, but Wynonna does have a hypothesis that Waverly and Nicole were making good use of the living room and were christening that too without lube. I mean, probably not enough friction Wynonna but good try! I guess she is still learning how lesbianing works. Nicole thinks they were attacked again, but Doc cannot find any footprints that are not their own. Wynonna wants to take the fight to them, but Doc surprisingly urges caution. Who are you and what have you done with our Doc Holliday! 

Just a Tol and a Smol enjoying the sunrise with their fam while making Doc uncomfortable.

WynDoc decide to go and visit Doc’s new boss, Amon, where Wynonna wants to go take a look after a gentle ribbing of Doc knowing his dick size, and we get a nice little throwback to ‘Ready or Not’ with Wynonna wielding a crossbow and elegantly taking out a bottle of alcohol on the shelf. That poor alcohol didn’t deserve that kind of death. It looked like it was mostly full. What a waste! Amon still can’t pronounce Wynonna’s name right but he does seem to have a kink fetish in addition to his addiction to skinny scarves. I do want the number for his barber though because his hair is amazing. Maybe also his stylist. Anyway, Wynonna and Doc want information on their little firestarters, but the Clanton name is like Beetlejuice. Say it three times and they will appear. Well maybe not, but they do apparently cause trouble in the Glory Hole.

Amon it seems, wants them gone almost as much as Wynonna does as he tells her its high time she gets her gun back, but it isn’t as simple as that, is it? Nicole spent 18 months (3 weeks and 4 days) looking for it to no avail. Maybe she should just have gone to the Glory Hole and asked because Amon is in possession of all the answers it seems. Is he just a straight-up good mafia demon, or will Wynonna end up with a horse head in her barn bed?

Enter Jeremy Pamela Chetri Dolls! Seriously, Jeremy is pulling his best Dolls impression putting little sticky dots everywhere in the old BBD HQ at the cop shop with a green bomber and aviators on. He is impressing me, but Cleo doesn’t seem as happy with her domain being taken over, but Jeremy stands his ground. What happened to our little science geek with an empathetic groin? No time to ask though as Jeremy leaves the room and leaves Cleo and Sheriff Not Haught to discuss their fate as Clantons. Nicole and Waverly pass him by on their way to make the office their own again, with no love lost between Nicole and Holt, and it also seems no love lost between Nicole and Jeremy. Sure Waverly gets a big bear hug, but Nicole calls him out on not being there for her when she needed him the most while everyone was in the Garden. Trying to diffuse the tension, Waverly gifts, Jeremy, with a big bowl and some balls to go with it. Jeremy’s favourite apparently.

Jeremy in a Dolls cosplay is now my favourite thing.

Amon is back being bartender mafia extraordinaire, leather gloves and all and declares that demons can’t hold their liquor. More for Wynonna then, except she doesn’t want anything poured by him. Doc has no qualms though and necks hers. Am I just being Scottish again with this, but I do not get the whole shooting whiskey! There is a way it is supposed to be drunk, and it’s slow. Also, it burns like hell at the best of times, so maybe that’s why. Get it all over and done with. Amon wants the Clantons gone, because they are more powerful than him and he wants to be top of the food chain, not that he says it quite like that. Amon is not a bottom. He doesn’t have Peacemaker exactly, but knows where they can get something that the people who have Peacemaker want and sends them off on their merry way.

Waverly is being a courier service for all their BBD documents and brings in boxes of them while a removal service is removing all traces of Cleo from their office while Nicole is busy putting a new lock on the door to keep them out. That lock doesn’t keep out fam though as Wynonna bursts her way in, busting the lock in the process, looking for a big ol’ Jeremy hug! It’s hugs all around for everyone except Nicole, who is sceptical at the news that Amon knows where Peacemaker is. Probably due to the fact that she looked for so long for it and its another thing that she feels like she’s failed on, which you definitely have not done Nicole. You survived and looked after yourself and Rachel. That is more than enough! Still apparently mad at Wynonna for breaking her new lock, Nicole points the drill at Wynonna and pretends it’s going through her skull. Not gonna lie, that’s what I do half the time when I have a drill in hand and I’m mad at someone.

Probably the face I made when I first figured out how to use a drill

She snaps out of it quickly with the discussion turning quickly on to if Wynonna should trust the ahem, ’Sketchy demon douche’’, with everyone in agreement, that on the matter of Peacemaker, Wynonna has to trust Amon and his intelligence. But not everyone in the team agrees, Rachel is off on her own mission that’s not looking for a gun-sword.

In typical teenage fashion, she refuses the call and sends a text lying about where she is. But where is Rachel you ask? Well she is 100% at the Magpie Ranch, but she isn’t stalking her next kill to deer.

That’s the deer budget for the season definitely gone now then!

Back to their mission, Wynonna and Doc are heading to the museum that time forgot. Wynonna seems to be the only person who doesn’t know that the town has a museum though, as some teenagers who are on a school trip (I’m just spitballing here with that one) try and give The Wynonna Earp snark. Wynonna didn’t come for the gift store though, the offering they need is in the Special Collections section under the name ‘A Woman Scorned’. Doc takes a wrong turn though into a special film room which is showing an old reel of the Wyatt Earp, Wynonna’s great great grandfather. 

WynDoc really do need to stop getting interrupted this season.

Waverly and Nicole have certainly made it their mission to christen every room they are in as Jeremy walks in on the pair making out on Cleo’s leopard print couch. They must have gotten rid of their couch from Nedley’s office. Jeremy has binders though, and the promise of research pulls the trio together, but not before Nicole can get another snipe in at Jeremy for not calling her in the past 18 months. Or is it 19 months now? I don’t know, Jeremy Bearimy! Jeremy, it seems, has grown a backbone in the time he has been away and calls Nicole out on her ‘Woe is me’ bullshit. Well, it isn’t bullshit, its abandonment issues and the two of them really need to deal with this soon because I need my Unkillable Gay Squad back! I guess Nicole’s guilt over the confrontation is manifesting into major stomach pains though and she disappears into one of the back rooms. Yeah, these can’t be guilt pains. She starts throwing up something totally nasty, and it looks like there is a bone in the substance (which is totally a pile of ick that will start growing mushrooms in the morning). It seems to be a memory trigger for Nicole though as she is next in a barn with Mam Clanton begging for her to do something to bring everyone home. Mam Clanton, like a good Rumpelstiltskin, says that the price is steep, but Nicole will do anything to get her girlfriend/fiancee and her BFF back.

The pains are totally getting worse the more she tries to say, and after a good old ‘better out than in I always say’, Nicole voms up an honest to Rao frog. 

That Chilli Cook-off must have had some bad beans in them.

Doc and Wynonna are completely ribbeted in the film documentary about Wyatt Earp. A little chat about the good ol’ days later with a trip down memory lane with a picture of Rosita on the wall, Wyatt reveals that he has spread it around that Doc pulled his gun out and made the first shot at the O.K. Corral. But that isn’t right? Some newspapers of the time say that the Clantons drew first, but Wyatt in this video claims that Doc shot first. It also seems like he is blaming all his kills on Doc as well to paint himself as a saint who just facilitated the killing. Wynonna tries to make excuses, but this Wyatt is not the Wyatt Earp that Doc knew and he now no longer knows what to think about him.

It is dinner time at the Clanton Ranch with Cleo cutting up onions and even though she has a proper knife, she is doing about as good a job of cutting it as Wynonna and Nicole did at the Randy Nedley Memorial Chilli Cook-off…FOR FREEDOM! Dinner prep is quickly forgotten though when Mam appears and goes to her 70’s swivel bar hidden inside of a sectional and pulls out a brandy, well I’m guessing brandy because Sheriff Not Haught brings over some brandy glasses, and starts ruminating on her plans. She is the Clanton heir, but their curse works a little differently. Their ‘gifts’ pass on to one of the kids when the heir dies. She’s not leaving it up to chance though and has gone ahead with her plan to get rid of our beloved Earps once and for all, by making them destroy each other.

Retirement Nedley can’t seem to actually retire, and he has taken over Shorty’s from Chrissy when she left, turning it back into a proper bar and not whatever weird hipster juice bar she had going on. He has no patrons, which is perfect for Nicole who needs all the tequila in the world for her frog breath. Nedley though makes the mistake of trying to guess what is wrong with Nicole, leading to Freddo appearing in an ice bucket. Nicole reasons that if she can’t speak it, then she can write it, but all she can draw is some sperm looking tadpoles.

Wynonna and Doc have finally made their way to special collections and have found their prize, a painting called ‘A Woman Scorned’, which has fewer women on it than you’d imagine as it is an abstract white and grey piece. They don’t have enough time to plan a Debbie Ocean heist and they make a dine and dash. Now that they have the painting, the people who have Peacemaker will apparently find them. Some loud bell tolls later, and Wynonna has been transported to a nunnery!

This situation requires a Doc that can find a dildo in a nunnery.

The Mother Superior leads her through the halls past Avatrice who are standing guard with spears at the doors while a woman is baptised on the table before them in a white gown. Can anyone else think of a time when women were inducted to an Order in white nightdresses and being drenched in water? It rings a bell. I smell a cult! Wynonna hands over the painting, which isn’t the painting that was on display. Some Holy Water and a Latin incantation later, it transforms into a painting of a figure between two rocks. The nun leads Wynonna to the armoury to try and find Peacemaker, but she doesn’t want to be found. I guess this is the ‘Shame’ nun from Game of Thrones as she follows Wynonna around questioning her at every turn and calling for her to give up Peacemaker and her supernatural life for a ‘normal’ life, whatever the hell that is.

With Wynonna gone, Doc pays another visit to Amon thinking that he did indeed send them on a wild paint chase, but Amon was not behind it. I think he spoke the word ‘Clanton’ too many times because Sheriff Not Haught is in the Glory Hole, and it is time for Doc to make his introductions to the kin of one of the men he killed (or maybe he killed a McLaury? Who knows!). We almost have the Shootout at Purgatory’s Glory Hole, but Doc decides that whoever was shot (if they did actually shoot) would just escalate things and make them worse. Which, agreed. They need Sheriff Not Haught and Cleo to turn against Mam so they can all take her down. Just my take here.

Nicole has finally been able to leave her game of Frogger behind and has been brought back to the comfort of the homestead, with a crackling fire and a bonus blanket to boot. They decide that they should actually talk about the proposal. It has been what, 19 months at this stage after all. The longest wait for an answer ever. The frogs won’t let Nicole say much, but Jeremy has found a couple of cures. There are some nasty side effects, like turning into a demon dog, having snake guts and one that involves an actual drowning. The three decide that the snake guts potion is the way to go, but even just talking about the cure seems to be a no go with Nicole leapfrogging out of her chair to ultimately yack all over Wynonna’s boots. Needing another friendly face for Nicole, and not seeing Rachel for dinner, (her text did say she may not be back for dinner) Waverly phones Rachel, who has gone from surveillance mode to search and rescue. Ignoring her call, she decides instead to call Billy, with his phone ringing off in the distance.

Waverly has managed to fill Wynonna in on what’s been happening with her BFF. Wynonna is under no illusions what it means to be an Earp or Earp adjacent, and probably jinxes it by speaking of biblical plagues, but Nicole will have none of that. She still believes that she abandoned everyone, like they abandoned her, and doesn’t think Waverly will want to marry her after what she did. Trying to lighten the mood, Wynonna tells Nicole that Peacemaker moved her out of her ‘Top 8’ on MySpace, and all she got was a stupid painting to show for it. Good news is Nicole knows exactly where the rocks are that are in the painting. She once had to rescue some naked guys from there when they were rock climbing, sure Jan. Seeing Doc brings the gagging back, so she must have promised something to do with Doc to get them all back and she hightails it back inside to check on the cure. 

Just two BFF’s sharing a beer and sob stories. You love to see it.

The cure is almost finished, but Nicole is back in her trance again, but this time she is not imagining drilling a hole in someone’s head, she tosses the cure down the sink and heads to the pen drawer that’s filled with knives. 

Taking their conversation to the cover of the barn, Wynonna shares that she knows that Peacemaker was in the nunnery, but she couldn’t find her or make her appear. What is Wynonna without Peacemaker and the curse? Well, she still thinks she is nothing, but Doc knows better and tells her she is ‘Everything’. Doc though is going through a ‘crisis’ of his own though. Is what he did in the past to the Clantons right? Should he be a ‘Hero’ for it? Either way, he parrots the words of the nun back and says that they should make Peace. No time to actually discuss that though as Nicole puts her private knife-throwing skills to the test (what is it with everyone throwing knives at Wynonna’s head this season?

Not satisfied with her throw, Nicole takes aim with a meat cleaver and slices Wynonna’s arm before Wynonna can get her punch in. Of course, Doc cannot control his fangs and has to walk away before one of them is slurpee’d. Seeing the latest attack, Wynonna wants to go on the offensive without Peacemaker, but Doc has found gasoline on Nicole’s coat and the black lighter from the wedding nightmare, and everyone knows that is the worst idea ever and they make Wynonna at least make an attempt to get Peacemaker back. Wynonna and Doc head off to Steve’s Gulch while Waverly is left to tie Nicole up, and not for the first time apparently.

Waverly isn’t making the ropes tight enough and Nicole sends her to go get the handcuffs from their room, leaving Nicole alone with Jeremy to ask him to use Plan B. 

Rachel is still on her little breaking and entering spree and has found her way into a barn on the Ranch following the sound of Billy’s ring tone. His phone is there alone, with him nowhere to be seen. Seen by her eyes anyway as he appears right behind her and just stares. I guess he takes after his Uncle Ike!

I thought all the jump scares were over!

Nicole asks Waverly to give her the cuffs so that she can tie herself up, but its a trap! Nicole cuffs Waverly to the bed and heads out with Jeremy after telling Waverly she loves her. They head out to Shorty’s and ask Nedley for help, but not before Nicole apologises to Nedley for giving up on him. What does she need help with? Well, she needs her father figure Randy Nedley to kill her. 

It is day time now with Wynonna and Doc who are looking for Steve’s Gulch, who are arguing over their destinies. Doc is ready to move on from his, but Wynonna is as stubborn as a mule and isn’t giving up yet. For someone who never wanted to be the heir, she sure has done a great job in doing the one thing the others could not, and that is to end the Earp curse. Steve’s Gulch is out in the open and is waiting to be found, as well as the Woman Scorned, clad in an amazing red coat, who stands between the two rocks. She turns around to reveal one Rosita Bustillos. YAAAASSSS! Tamara Duarte is back!!! I am so happy that she is back! I thought she might have been gone forever due to the fact that the curse is broken and we haven’t seen any revenants yet, but Rosita is clearly something more. Can you tell I am happy Rosita is back? Just a little? Well, I am. 

ROOOOSSSSIIIIITTTTTAAAA! (The exact way I shouted it at my TV at almost 4am on Sunday)

Waverly has spent the night freeing herself from the bed, by breaking the damn footboard in the process, and has headed to Shorty’s to see Nedley sitting on a chair with an animal head and fur over the top of his own head while he recites from a book, and Jeremy drowning Nicole in a tub of salted Holy Water. She eventually goes still and Jeremy looks right at the camera and says ‘I know how this looks, but I am asking you to trust us.’

All of the writers have my sword, my bow and my axe.

Talk about a cliffhanger on that episode! I really do need it to be Sunday, but I also do not want it to be Sunday because that means it’s the midseason finale and you can just tell that the cliffhanger on that episode will be much worse than this one. I honestly do not have words for this episode. A writer, lost for words when she has already written 3740ish words (minus captions), what a sight! But Noelle Carbone really did give us a treat with this episode. Who knew we’d go from gnome wives to frogs! Not me! And in terms of that last line, I really do trust each and every single one of the writers, who know exactly what we want, give it to us in unexpected ways and make us fall even more in love with this story about this family. I guess that is it for this week, and remember to keep Earping on!

-Written by Christine

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